Completeness

What is completeness? The feeling of love and friendship? The tingly feeling in your stomach when you kiss, the butterflies when you look into his eyes?
Well I have never had completeness. When I was little, I was complete. But that was before I knew emptyness. Not rock bottom. I have seen people suffer. It's awful, and I have not had that. Nothing like that. But I have had heart break. I haven't been kissed, or ever kissed, but I have dreamed of the kiss. The one that gives you fireworks, butterflies, and leaves you breathless.
Ariel and I, well we're friends. I don't know about bestfriends, I don't know if I want to be bestfriends. I don't know if I can forgive, but I most certainly won't forget. I love Ariel, but I can't keep carrying all this sadness and negativity around. I need something better, I might not deserve something better, but I need something better. To cope with the heart break, and the sadness. The long and lonely sadness. I need someone, and I don't have that someone. Where is that someone?

Psychic Reading?

Do I really need a psychic reading to view the future? I thought I was done, with Ariel. I really thought everything was over and gone and I was no longer going to be friends with her. I heard her talking about me. I saw the text she sent me. She wants to try again. Be friends again. Can I do it? I mean these two months have been like the best and worst.. worst being the feelings I felt with not being with her. I mean am I supposed to sound sincere, hurt, or mad? The last day before the text I talked about her, I'll admit it. But nothing, nothing, compared to what she said. Which honestly, wasn't that bad. Horseface. Plus the constant mimicking, which wasn't all that great. I don't want to make the wrong decision here, I want to say the right thing. But can I tell right from wrong anymore?
So I said I would try again. Which, could be the stupidest or best thing I ever did. And it's a risk I am willing to take. Because even though she is annoying, she is awesome. And I can't forget that, ever.
So now what? I thought this blog was going to be about all my awful miseries and treachorous times. Now I have no idea what to do, say, or think anymore. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I constantly think about what I should do, what's the right thing to do. All I can do is hope and pray that my heart leads me the way, and if it takes a turn for the worst, than I just hope I can stay true to who I am. I don't want to change for her, I want to be myself, I would rather be myself. I'm not all that great, but I wasn't the one who caused this.
She said she wanted to stop fighting. I never thought we were fighting? I thought we just weren't friends. It's going to be so weird.. I hope I can handle what is to come.

Karma cont.

So I thought it was about time I told someone.. about how I am feeling. Or what I am feeling. I confided in Alex. I mean, I love her to death. I have known her forever, and sure she does have a big mouth, but I don't think she'll spill the beans on this one. I really honestly trust her, and she was always my backup friend when I was with Ariel. Now she's the friend I hang with like everyday, she's the replacement. So I told her, and she listened. I thought it would make me feel better.. but it didn't. It didn't help telling anyone. It doesn't help blogging. I feel a terrible loss, and I know I shouldn't.
It's not like I think about it every second, but I think about it everyday. The hardest part is ignoring her, and I wish I didn't have to. We don't talk. If she made the move I would, but she hasn't. In fact, the total opposite. She talks about me. I also discovered she has a nickname for me. Horseface. I mean is that the best she can do? To be honest, she is ugly. She is fat, has a huge nose, but her personality is amazing. I mean I could call her worst names, I really could. I just don't, can't. I miss her so much, I just wish I could erase the fight. Wish I could go back in time.
But I can't. Wishing won't get me anywhere, and dreams don't come true. I mean she was annoying, REALLY annoying. But she was also fun, really fun. She talks about me. I don't know how to take that, because we were bestfriends. She makes fun of me, but that doesn't really offend me, because it's not direct. It's behind my back, to my friends.
Scratch what I said before, about wishing to go back. You can't go back. The only thing I truely wish for, is to know how she feels. If she feels anything, that is.
Karma hasn't bitten me lately, thank god. In fact, I made more new friends. Friends of friends. Yeah, so I'm off to a good.. life?

Karma

So my first entry, and it's all about the karma. What is karma? It's the effects of one's decision. And my decision? Yeah, I'm thinking karma is coming back to bite me. LITERALLY. So today I went home with my friend, Alex. There was this bee flying around her and she was screaming for me to save her, so yes, I saved her, only to get stung on the bottom of my foot. Don't ask me HOW the bee managed to get to the bottom of my foot, but it succeeded, in making my life miserable.
Why do I think this has anything to do with my karma? Well, I guess you don't actually know me. Let me explain. I flipped out on my bestfriend, which is only slightly my fault. I mean she annoyed me beyond belief! So I confronted her about it, and we haven't been friends for 2 months. I tell everyone I'm cool with it. I tell everyone I'm perfectly fine. The truth is, I'm left wondering if I'm just a big fat liar.