Sweetness

So I am past everything & happy now. You can bow down to me bitch, because I honestly don't give two fucks anymore. I could care less what everyone thinks I'm done with shit. Hoping I never get off this daze. Ciao stress, burn in hell.

Gloomy

I am entitled to my own opinion. & for that, I am honestly thankful. For the right to say what I like about a matter, that means a lot. But to have that taken away? Well it would take a lot of my imagination, to even grasp a vague image of life without an opinion. Because, what's the point in even living?
Exactly. So I'm soooo tired of people trying to get me to do something. I'm so tired of saying something & being scolded. I'm so tired of everyone. I'm not depressed, but I feel.. achy. No, gloomy. Yeah, I feel gloomy. Sad, but not depressed. A little gray.
Trust me, I could be out right now at Mainstreet, watching a movie with all my friends. & something must be wrong with me! I love doing that! But no, I can't. Because of my own stupid self. So what's a person like me to do, but just sit here and type away at some stupid diary on some stupid website. REALLY?
I'm a little nervous too.. FCAT's are next week. BIG test. I guess that's why I don't want to really hang out, because I just recovered from a cold, and I just don't want to be up late. God, I'm so hungry! I was just eating non-stop some.. Skittles. Yeah, double flavor {core filled} Skittles. & a LOT! Haha, fatty. No, not really actually. -Pokes ribs- xD
So yeah, you get the gest of things, I'm a teen going through struggles. I used to be an innocent girl, who always had fun, just didn't realize how priveleged she was. Now I'm a teenager, who has a mere five seconds of fun, before feeling a complete emptiness. Or feeling like something is wrong. Or, my BIGGEST PROBLEM, wishing for something. Sometimes I even "will" it to happen. I think about it real hard, close my eyes, and wish it to happen with all my strength. Picture it happening. Then I open my eyes, & guess what? I have at least ten people staring at me like I'm a freak. Tada! Voila!
Luckily, I "will" when I'm alone. :p

Conflict

To every good story, there's conflict. Of course, the story I am relating to, is my life. My life & my struggles. Of course, these days, there is more struggling than it's even worth. But if all this drama, if I really hate it, why am I still friends with these people? Well guess what? There's always drama. So either way, it's gonna end up happening. So, the real question is, be popular or not? & obviously, I chose to be. & that's how it will be. So I need to STOP complaining about ALL this crap going on, and just take it. Just suck it up. However, I will still write this. Somehow, I'm starting to find it helping. I used to think I should tell someone how I feel. Now I just think I can write about it on this, and I can! Now I can keep it in, instead of having to trust someone. Because, obviously, there's nobody to trust these days.
I'm starting to think me & Ariel's friendship is more of the phrase "keep your friends close, but your ENEMIES closer." I mean really, because right now I feel like we're not connecting. I feel like she's using me somehow. So guess what? I'm going to blackmail her. Sure it sounds awful.. but if we ever fight again, at least I'll be prepared. I figure I should bottle everything up & not tell her, while trying to get her to tell me everything. So I'll sit there & listen for juicy details to use against her. PERFECT! I'll act like her bestfriend, but say nothing in return. Of course it's not a fair trade off, so I'll have to make up "family problems," to get her to say more. To get more.
I know she tells Maria stuff I say. So there's not point in talking about Maria to Ariel, and Alex does the same thing. But there's not really a point in talking about Maria anymore, because she said she wants "to be friends." Of course I don't want to be her friend! Of course I get the feeling she's just gonna use me for something! Of course I think it's about my party! OF COURSE SHE ISN'T GETTING AN INVITE! Ugh. Ugh! & the worst thing is, I was just thinking about her phone call yesterday. I think I was on speaker. & I remember asking "why she suddenly wanted to be friends," and I think I heard Ariel in the background say "say because you missed her!" and of course that's what Maria said. Of course Ariel was there, because Maria told me, but did Ariel say that? Did Ariel want us to be friends? Why? After all I said about Maria.. why? & I'm sure Maria said stuff about me. & I'm sure Maria doesn't know I was talking about her, but when she does she'll probably ignore me like an idiot, after my party, or something ridiculous. So that's why she won't get a precious all exclusive invite. TO MY PARTY.
Today I was sitting at lunch before Maria got there, btw I WAS trying to avoid Maria today. FYI, I don't even want to be friends, I said I did because I just want a treuce. I don't like fighting much. Of course I enjoyed talking about Maria, to sort out my thoughts, and because I didn't give a crap since it's totally obvious I don't want to be her friend. Anyways, at lunch before Maria got there Ariel asked "what did you say? Do you even want to be her friend?" So obviously Ariel was there, so she kind of trapped her self, because I know she knows I said I did want to be friends with Maria, which is half lying. Because I want a treuce. But the part about wanting to be her friend? I just said idk real quick & then Maria got there. I won't tell Ariel the truth, because I know Maria's behind this. & even if she isn't, Ariel will just tell her. Ugh!
So obviously to every good story there's conflict. In my story, there's tons. The reason? There's just no one to trust anymore, because this is like a fight for high school survival, and the games have only just begun.

Trust

Remember my fight with Ariel? I was miserable. I wanted to erase everything, because she was the only person I really could open up to. She didn't really listen, or didn't seem like she was, but she recalls almost everything when I talk to her now. She remembers, so she had to listen.
Some things that urk me about her.. well.. she talks about her family a lot. I mean A LOT. Everyday she's talking about her Dad and his kids, her Mom breaking up with her Step Dad, and now she's even developed an attitude. Like the other day Alex S. said "Oh so today you're talking about your Dad? Or Step Dad?" and her response was "My Dad. NOT my Step Dad," and she made the nastiest sternist most hatred face. She was so cold about it that even I got the chills! Of course, I said nothing, ate my sandwhich.
So that's how it's been. For me, at lunch. Everyday Ariel is mad at someone. Everyday Ariel is in a fight with someone. Everyday Ariel is talking about someone. Everyday you hear about "Oh cousin Michael is in rehab. Yeah, he said he was gonna kill himself," or "Oh my Dad is coming to town this weekend. I'm stoked!" which REALLY bugs me.
But do you WANT to know what bugs me the MOST? That the second I say one single word, ONE WORD, about someone else, even though she "has the right" to blab on about anyone SHE WANTS, apparently she also "has the right to tell that person I'm talking about them."
So before I know it, Maria hates me. For one word. Would you like to know what I even said? I said "I don't think I'm gonna invite Maria to my party," so not one word, one sentence, but whatever. So now I can't stand Maria. She's soooo immature! I mean HELLO? Like she ignores me out of NOWHERE! Wtf? And she has these awful attitudes that bug me. She thinks she's sooooo much better then everyone else "Oh he likes me!" or "Oh sorry, he's ALL OVER ME!" could someone get on my nerves MORE THAN HER??
So I've been thinking about showing this diary to my friend Alex. She's definetely worthy of reading this, and she's never done anything wrong by me. Sure I tell her some stuff, and she kinda has a big mouth, like I've heard her tell Ariel stuff I said and I've heard her tell Maria stuff, and this stuff I only told to her, so I know it's her. Anyways.. I think I should show someone. It didn't take away any struggles or pains or anything writing it, but maybe if someone understands.. you know?
It's weird how one minute you can be friends, then this major fight, then it's weird because someone steps up to resolve the fight, you think the friendship will fail, you're friends again, but yet.. [and yes, I am referring to Ariel] I get this strange strange feeling, deep down, that there's something more. I want to talk to her about it, but I don't know quite what I feel.. like she's gonna turn on me?
I hate Maria though, I think Ariel is making a HUGE mistake in being bestfriends with her. I know Maria talks about me. Alright, so next weekened.. I'll be devoted to hanging out with Ariel. Figure out what's REALLY going on.

Replenish

So I have replenished this diary. Isn't it gorgeous? Of course! Well I hope everyone likes it [haha, retorical!]. Yeah, I know, dark humor. Not really? Okay well love you all [again, meaning me!]. And have a wonderful evening [myself, AGAIN!].

Refresh

As the title says, this is what I feel. After taking a LONG break from this blog, I am back. I figured it's a diary. Not blog, diary. Because a blog is something people look at. I feel absolutely positively refreshed. Not really, I wish, but you get the point.
So let's start with my kittens. They are the sweetest cherries ever! Haha, little sweet hearts they ARE! Sure nobody but me sees them [for their strong lack of comprehending the words, come out for my people BESIDES me!].
So sure I pretend to be who I am not sometimes. But I would rather be hated and disliked for who I am. Honestly. I mean really truly. Because SURE, I would LOVE to be beautiful and gorgeous and have size DD boobs. But guess what? Yeah, you got it, I DON'T.
At least I can admit things though.
Maybe I AM expressing a lot of anger right now. The only person I have to blame is myself. Getting all wrapped up in fantasy worlds of being gorgeous. And NO, I am NOT eight years old.. maybe that's what bugs me the most.
I have created a mess. For security reasons, I suppose. Or maybe because I hate myself? I'm not admitting to that, because I don't know if I hate myself.. but maybe I do?
I mean come on! My name is NOT Chelsea, NOT Gia. Nope. Nadda. Goose eggs!
The one place I finally give out my true name, I give out the WRONG picture. Yeah sure, I say it's me. Guess what? IT'S NOT! Ooooh. Shocker.
So maybe this is a sign of self hatred? Could I hate myself? Is that possible?
Well maybe if you were ugly like me.. with hair that is being lossed. No well.. I used to lose my hair. Mhm. Yeah so it's like really thin and nasty. Yeah. And then freckles.. a lot.
Let's face it, I'm decent. Not pretty, gorgeous, sexy. Maybe decent. GREAT body. I mean GREAT, EXCELLENT, like total model material. Then neck and up is awful. Oh and skin color too.. pale. But neck and up ruins it. And skin.. a little. My skin is okay.. I guess.
I wish someone would read this. One anonymous person, like pen pal. I would post my picture, a real one. They would rate it. End of story. Then I could get an honest opinion, and then I could ask them why.. figure out things to improve. You know? Oh wait, you don't know. I'm talking to myself.

Hope

Ever heard the song throw it in the bag? Yeah, well today is a day I feel like doing that, but with my life. I mean, I should be happy. I won this huge award I have been waiting for all year, I made first place in Regionals, and now I'm going to States in April and everything, I was really having an excellent day. I had so many emotions, nervous nervous nervous, the awards ceremony, and then they announced my name, and I mean it was total shock. I was.. well what I felt was totally amazing penetrating total shock, like you wouldn't believe it. And I'm going to States! Omg!
When they were announcing I was totally doubting myself, my amazing abilities that I never even knew I had. And as for what I was competing for? Well I'm in an organization called HOSA, it's in the healthcare. I want to be a nurse. Well anyways, I did this competition for writing, and I'm in seventh grade! How did I win? I mean OMG!
So I was competing against my best friend, Ariel. She was bragging about how good hers was, and it did honestly sound excellent. But it totally made me doubt myself. And get nervous like crazy! Ariel and I were the only seventh graders, the rest were from eighth grade. I was freaking out! I was thinking I would be lucky to get fifth.
BUT FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?

-An obviously still shocked, Gia