Sweetness

So I am past everything & happy now. You can bow down to me bitch, because I honestly don't give two fucks anymore. I could care less what everyone thinks I'm done with shit. Hoping I never get off this daze. Ciao stress, burn in hell.

Gloomy

I am entitled to my own opinion. & for that, I am honestly thankful. For the right to say what I like about a matter, that means a lot. But to have that taken away? Well it would take a lot of my imagination, to even grasp a vague image of life without an opinion. Because, what's the point in even living?
Exactly. So I'm soooo tired of people trying to get me to do something. I'm so tired of saying something & being scolded. I'm so tired of everyone. I'm not depressed, but I feel.. achy. No, gloomy. Yeah, I feel gloomy. Sad, but not depressed. A little gray.
Trust me, I could be out right now at Mainstreet, watching a movie with all my friends. & something must be wrong with me! I love doing that! But no, I can't. Because of my own stupid self. So what's a person like me to do, but just sit here and type away at some stupid diary on some stupid website. REALLY?
I'm a little nervous too.. FCAT's are next week. BIG test. I guess that's why I don't want to really hang out, because I just recovered from a cold, and I just don't want to be up late. God, I'm so hungry! I was just eating non-stop some.. Skittles. Yeah, double flavor {core filled} Skittles. & a LOT! Haha, fatty. No, not really actually. -Pokes ribs- xD
So yeah, you get the gest of things, I'm a teen going through struggles. I used to be an innocent girl, who always had fun, just didn't realize how priveleged she was. Now I'm a teenager, who has a mere five seconds of fun, before feeling a complete emptiness. Or feeling like something is wrong. Or, my BIGGEST PROBLEM, wishing for something. Sometimes I even "will" it to happen. I think about it real hard, close my eyes, and wish it to happen with all my strength. Picture it happening. Then I open my eyes, & guess what? I have at least ten people staring at me like I'm a freak. Tada! Voila!
Luckily, I "will" when I'm alone. :p

Conflict

To every good story, there's conflict. Of course, the story I am relating to, is my life. My life & my struggles. Of course, these days, there is more struggling than it's even worth. But if all this drama, if I really hate it, why am I still friends with these people? Well guess what? There's always drama. So either way, it's gonna end up happening. So, the real question is, be popular or not? & obviously, I chose to be. & that's how it will be. So I need to STOP complaining about ALL this crap going on, and just take it. Just suck it up. However, I will still write this. Somehow, I'm starting to find it helping. I used to think I should tell someone how I feel. Now I just think I can write about it on this, and I can! Now I can keep it in, instead of having to trust someone. Because, obviously, there's nobody to trust these days.
I'm starting to think me & Ariel's friendship is more of the phrase "keep your friends close, but your ENEMIES closer." I mean really, because right now I feel like we're not connecting. I feel like she's using me somehow. So guess what? I'm going to blackmail her. Sure it sounds awful.. but if we ever fight again, at least I'll be prepared. I figure I should bottle everything up & not tell her, while trying to get her to tell me everything. So I'll sit there & listen for juicy details to use against her. PERFECT! I'll act like her bestfriend, but say nothing in return. Of course it's not a fair trade off, so I'll have to make up "family problems," to get her to say more. To get more.
I know she tells Maria stuff I say. So there's not point in talking about Maria to Ariel, and Alex does the same thing. But there's not really a point in talking about Maria anymore, because she said she wants "to be friends." Of course I don't want to be her friend! Of course I get the feeling she's just gonna use me for something! Of course I think it's about my party! OF COURSE SHE ISN'T GETTING AN INVITE! Ugh. Ugh! & the worst thing is, I was just thinking about her phone call yesterday. I think I was on speaker. & I remember asking "why she suddenly wanted to be friends," and I think I heard Ariel in the background say "say because you missed her!" and of course that's what Maria said. Of course Ariel was there, because Maria told me, but did Ariel say that? Did Ariel want us to be friends? Why? After all I said about Maria.. why? & I'm sure Maria said stuff about me. & I'm sure Maria doesn't know I was talking about her, but when she does she'll probably ignore me like an idiot, after my party, or something ridiculous. So that's why she won't get a precious all exclusive invite. TO MY PARTY.
Today I was sitting at lunch before Maria got there, btw I WAS trying to avoid Maria today. FYI, I don't even want to be friends, I said I did because I just want a treuce. I don't like fighting much. Of course I enjoyed talking about Maria, to sort out my thoughts, and because I didn't give a crap since it's totally obvious I don't want to be her friend. Anyways, at lunch before Maria got there Ariel asked "what did you say? Do you even want to be her friend?" So obviously Ariel was there, so she kind of trapped her self, because I know she knows I said I did want to be friends with Maria, which is half lying. Because I want a treuce. But the part about wanting to be her friend? I just said idk real quick & then Maria got there. I won't tell Ariel the truth, because I know Maria's behind this. & even if she isn't, Ariel will just tell her. Ugh!
So obviously to every good story there's conflict. In my story, there's tons. The reason? There's just no one to trust anymore, because this is like a fight for high school survival, and the games have only just begun.

Trust

Remember my fight with Ariel? I was miserable. I wanted to erase everything, because she was the only person I really could open up to. She didn't really listen, or didn't seem like she was, but she recalls almost everything when I talk to her now. She remembers, so she had to listen.
Some things that urk me about her.. well.. she talks about her family a lot. I mean A LOT. Everyday she's talking about her Dad and his kids, her Mom breaking up with her Step Dad, and now she's even developed an attitude. Like the other day Alex S. said "Oh so today you're talking about your Dad? Or Step Dad?" and her response was "My Dad. NOT my Step Dad," and she made the nastiest sternist most hatred face. She was so cold about it that even I got the chills! Of course, I said nothing, ate my sandwhich.
So that's how it's been. For me, at lunch. Everyday Ariel is mad at someone. Everyday Ariel is in a fight with someone. Everyday Ariel is talking about someone. Everyday you hear about "Oh cousin Michael is in rehab. Yeah, he said he was gonna kill himself," or "Oh my Dad is coming to town this weekend. I'm stoked!" which REALLY bugs me.
But do you WANT to know what bugs me the MOST? That the second I say one single word, ONE WORD, about someone else, even though she "has the right" to blab on about anyone SHE WANTS, apparently she also "has the right to tell that person I'm talking about them."
So before I know it, Maria hates me. For one word. Would you like to know what I even said? I said "I don't think I'm gonna invite Maria to my party," so not one word, one sentence, but whatever. So now I can't stand Maria. She's soooo immature! I mean HELLO? Like she ignores me out of NOWHERE! Wtf? And she has these awful attitudes that bug me. She thinks she's sooooo much better then everyone else "Oh he likes me!" or "Oh sorry, he's ALL OVER ME!" could someone get on my nerves MORE THAN HER??
So I've been thinking about showing this diary to my friend Alex. She's definetely worthy of reading this, and she's never done anything wrong by me. Sure I tell her some stuff, and she kinda has a big mouth, like I've heard her tell Ariel stuff I said and I've heard her tell Maria stuff, and this stuff I only told to her, so I know it's her. Anyways.. I think I should show someone. It didn't take away any struggles or pains or anything writing it, but maybe if someone understands.. you know?
It's weird how one minute you can be friends, then this major fight, then it's weird because someone steps up to resolve the fight, you think the friendship will fail, you're friends again, but yet.. [and yes, I am referring to Ariel] I get this strange strange feeling, deep down, that there's something more. I want to talk to her about it, but I don't know quite what I feel.. like she's gonna turn on me?
I hate Maria though, I think Ariel is making a HUGE mistake in being bestfriends with her. I know Maria talks about me. Alright, so next weekened.. I'll be devoted to hanging out with Ariel. Figure out what's REALLY going on.

Replenish

So I have replenished this diary. Isn't it gorgeous? Of course! Well I hope everyone likes it [haha, retorical!]. Yeah, I know, dark humor. Not really? Okay well love you all [again, meaning me!]. And have a wonderful evening [myself, AGAIN!].

Refresh

As the title says, this is what I feel. After taking a LONG break from this blog, I am back. I figured it's a diary. Not blog, diary. Because a blog is something people look at. I feel absolutely positively refreshed. Not really, I wish, but you get the point.
So let's start with my kittens. They are the sweetest cherries ever! Haha, little sweet hearts they ARE! Sure nobody but me sees them [for their strong lack of comprehending the words, come out for my people BESIDES me!].
So sure I pretend to be who I am not sometimes. But I would rather be hated and disliked for who I am. Honestly. I mean really truly. Because SURE, I would LOVE to be beautiful and gorgeous and have size DD boobs. But guess what? Yeah, you got it, I DON'T.
At least I can admit things though.
Maybe I AM expressing a lot of anger right now. The only person I have to blame is myself. Getting all wrapped up in fantasy worlds of being gorgeous. And NO, I am NOT eight years old.. maybe that's what bugs me the most.
I have created a mess. For security reasons, I suppose. Or maybe because I hate myself? I'm not admitting to that, because I don't know if I hate myself.. but maybe I do?
I mean come on! My name is NOT Chelsea, NOT Gia. Nope. Nadda. Goose eggs!
The one place I finally give out my true name, I give out the WRONG picture. Yeah sure, I say it's me. Guess what? IT'S NOT! Ooooh. Shocker.
So maybe this is a sign of self hatred? Could I hate myself? Is that possible?
Well maybe if you were ugly like me.. with hair that is being lossed. No well.. I used to lose my hair. Mhm. Yeah so it's like really thin and nasty. Yeah. And then freckles.. a lot.
Let's face it, I'm decent. Not pretty, gorgeous, sexy. Maybe decent. GREAT body. I mean GREAT, EXCELLENT, like total model material. Then neck and up is awful. Oh and skin color too.. pale. But neck and up ruins it. And skin.. a little. My skin is okay.. I guess.
I wish someone would read this. One anonymous person, like pen pal. I would post my picture, a real one. They would rate it. End of story. Then I could get an honest opinion, and then I could ask them why.. figure out things to improve. You know? Oh wait, you don't know. I'm talking to myself.

Hope

Ever heard the song throw it in the bag? Yeah, well today is a day I feel like doing that, but with my life. I mean, I should be happy. I won this huge award I have been waiting for all year, I made first place in Regionals, and now I'm going to States in April and everything, I was really having an excellent day. I had so many emotions, nervous nervous nervous, the awards ceremony, and then they announced my name, and I mean it was total shock. I was.. well what I felt was totally amazing penetrating total shock, like you wouldn't believe it. And I'm going to States! Omg!
When they were announcing I was totally doubting myself, my amazing abilities that I never even knew I had. And as for what I was competing for? Well I'm in an organization called HOSA, it's in the healthcare. I want to be a nurse. Well anyways, I did this competition for writing, and I'm in seventh grade! How did I win? I mean OMG!
So I was competing against my best friend, Ariel. She was bragging about how good hers was, and it did honestly sound excellent. But it totally made me doubt myself. And get nervous like crazy! Ariel and I were the only seventh graders, the rest were from eighth grade. I was freaking out! I was thinking I would be lucky to get fifth.
BUT FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?

-An obviously still shocked, Gia

Respect

Today, I learned a lesson. Everyday I learn a lesson, but today I learned a useful lesson. A life lesson. An essential lesson. I learned respecting others is important. Of course I had heard this, I had heard respect others belongings and what not. From teachers, of course. But today I learned this. I realized why. You have the freedom to give your opinions, but you have no right to judge people. No matter what situation they are in, their relation to you, or anything. You shouldn't judge people, period. It's just not right to go about saying things either.
But, why respect? Well, sometimes people have more power over you. As controlling as I am, I hate that. But I needed to learn to respect that. And today, I did. How? I'm not sure exactly. I guess I realized I'm young, and people have authority over me. I need to respect that.
How does this apply to my life? Well the next time my friend asks me what I think about their relationship with their boyfriend, I will give my opinion. I won't butt into their life and tell them what to do. Even if I butt in and then say that's my opinion, soooo not happening. I need to respect others.
And don't take this the wrong way. I always have respected others, but today I just realized I need to keep up the good work. It will take me far, I'll see someday. For the future is still to come. But, I need to think of now, because you cannot predict the future. No matter how technologically enhanced this nation as a whole becomes, we cannot predict the future by any means. The future is yet to come.

Completeness

What is completeness? The feeling of love and friendship? The tingly feeling in your stomach when you kiss, the butterflies when you look into his eyes?
Well I have never had completeness. When I was little, I was complete. But that was before I knew emptyness. Not rock bottom. I have seen people suffer. It's awful, and I have not had that. Nothing like that. But I have had heart break. I haven't been kissed, or ever kissed, but I have dreamed of the kiss. The one that gives you fireworks, butterflies, and leaves you breathless.
Ariel and I, well we're friends. I don't know about bestfriends, I don't know if I want to be bestfriends. I don't know if I can forgive, but I most certainly won't forget. I love Ariel, but I can't keep carrying all this sadness and negativity around. I need something better, I might not deserve something better, but I need something better. To cope with the heart break, and the sadness. The long and lonely sadness. I need someone, and I don't have that someone. Where is that someone?

Psychic Reading?

Do I really need a psychic reading to view the future? I thought I was done, with Ariel. I really thought everything was over and gone and I was no longer going to be friends with her. I heard her talking about me. I saw the text she sent me. She wants to try again. Be friends again. Can I do it? I mean these two months have been like the best and worst.. worst being the feelings I felt with not being with her. I mean am I supposed to sound sincere, hurt, or mad? The last day before the text I talked about her, I'll admit it. But nothing, nothing, compared to what she said. Which honestly, wasn't that bad. Horseface. Plus the constant mimicking, which wasn't all that great. I don't want to make the wrong decision here, I want to say the right thing. But can I tell right from wrong anymore?
So I said I would try again. Which, could be the stupidest or best thing I ever did. And it's a risk I am willing to take. Because even though she is annoying, she is awesome. And I can't forget that, ever.
So now what? I thought this blog was going to be about all my awful miseries and treachorous times. Now I have no idea what to do, say, or think anymore. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I constantly think about what I should do, what's the right thing to do. All I can do is hope and pray that my heart leads me the way, and if it takes a turn for the worst, than I just hope I can stay true to who I am. I don't want to change for her, I want to be myself, I would rather be myself. I'm not all that great, but I wasn't the one who caused this.
She said she wanted to stop fighting. I never thought we were fighting? I thought we just weren't friends. It's going to be so weird.. I hope I can handle what is to come.

Karma cont.

So I thought it was about time I told someone.. about how I am feeling. Or what I am feeling. I confided in Alex. I mean, I love her to death. I have known her forever, and sure she does have a big mouth, but I don't think she'll spill the beans on this one. I really honestly trust her, and she was always my backup friend when I was with Ariel. Now she's the friend I hang with like everyday, she's the replacement. So I told her, and she listened. I thought it would make me feel better.. but it didn't. It didn't help telling anyone. It doesn't help blogging. I feel a terrible loss, and I know I shouldn't.
It's not like I think about it every second, but I think about it everyday. The hardest part is ignoring her, and I wish I didn't have to. We don't talk. If she made the move I would, but she hasn't. In fact, the total opposite. She talks about me. I also discovered she has a nickname for me. Horseface. I mean is that the best she can do? To be honest, she is ugly. She is fat, has a huge nose, but her personality is amazing. I mean I could call her worst names, I really could. I just don't, can't. I miss her so much, I just wish I could erase the fight. Wish I could go back in time.
But I can't. Wishing won't get me anywhere, and dreams don't come true. I mean she was annoying, REALLY annoying. But she was also fun, really fun. She talks about me. I don't know how to take that, because we were bestfriends. She makes fun of me, but that doesn't really offend me, because it's not direct. It's behind my back, to my friends.
Scratch what I said before, about wishing to go back. You can't go back. The only thing I truely wish for, is to know how she feels. If she feels anything, that is.
Karma hasn't bitten me lately, thank god. In fact, I made more new friends. Friends of friends. Yeah, so I'm off to a good.. life?

Karma

So my first entry, and it's all about the karma. What is karma? It's the effects of one's decision. And my decision? Yeah, I'm thinking karma is coming back to bite me. LITERALLY. So today I went home with my friend, Alex. There was this bee flying around her and she was screaming for me to save her, so yes, I saved her, only to get stung on the bottom of my foot. Don't ask me HOW the bee managed to get to the bottom of my foot, but it succeeded, in making my life miserable.
Why do I think this has anything to do with my karma? Well, I guess you don't actually know me. Let me explain. I flipped out on my bestfriend, which is only slightly my fault. I mean she annoyed me beyond belief! So I confronted her about it, and we haven't been friends for 2 months. I tell everyone I'm cool with it. I tell everyone I'm perfectly fine. The truth is, I'm left wondering if I'm just a big fat liar.